The views expressed in this article are of the author only and do not necessarily represent those of the Center for Pastor Theologians.
Real Marriage: The Truth about Sex, Friendship & Life
Mark & Grace Driscoll
Thomas Nelson (2013). 272 pp.
The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Comittment with the Wisdom of God
Tim Keller (with Kathy Keller)
Penguin (2013). 352 pp.
What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage
Paul David Tripp
Crossway (2010). 288 pp.
It is difficult to imagine a more confusing time as it regards the ancient institution of marriage. Long-standing cultural assumptions about what marriage is, why it is important, and how it benefits society have largely crumbled into a multitude of fragmented personal opinions. This cultural transition pushes pastors to reformulate a fresh expression of Christian marriage that speaks to the complexities and challenges facing disciples of Jesus today. Furthermore, the current cultural free-for-all has left those outside the church largely disappointed, and many are looking for answers in surprising places. Hence there is an enormous opportunity to provide vision and hope in an area of life where pain is felt most acutely and confusion is at an all-time high.
In their own ways, the Driscoll’s, Keller’s and Tripp each provide the church with a vision for marriage that is rich with hard-won insight and rings true amidst a chorus of competing voices. Indeed, several times in each book I found myself writing notes, not for this review, but for the benefit of my own ministry and marriage. However, for authors who share a similar theological framework (reformed-evangelical), the diverse ways they write about marriage is both stunning and fascinating.
While each book certainly deserves its own detailed evaluation, the focus of this review is to compare and contrast these intriguing works using broad strokes. Our jumping off point will be by taking note of the diverse ministry context in which each of these books emerged so that readers can evaluate the degree to which each book will overlap with their own ministry setting.
The Kellers write in the context of the professional and highly progressive culture of New York City. Consequently, much of the value of this book is in the highly sophisticated and downright philosophical defense of the institution of marriage itself in light of all other available options. Keller’s demonstration that covenant marriage historically brings common good to society is compared over and against the default assumption of marriage which is a toxic mix of consumerism and individualism. In place of the dominant role “commodification” plays in relationships, Keller suggests another financial concept called “love economics.” The idea being that if one’s love needs are sufficiently filled by the limitless fount of the gospel, then one is in the position to serve a spouse out of abundance rather than want. The overall impact of his argument is intellectually satisfying and philosophically robust. Hence, if a pastor is serving in a progressive culture, what one will find in this book is perhaps the best explanation of and case for a biblical covenant marriage over and against any consumerist and socially defragmented marriage alternatives.
In contrast to the professional sport-coat-and-slacks crowd seen at Redeemer, the Driscolls’ Mars Hill resides in Seattle and serves a hip, young, urban crowd that seems slightly grittier compared to the sophisticates in Manhattan. As such, what the Driscoll’s may lack in erudition they more than make up for in uncommon honesty and a style that has bone-busting force. The tone of the book is straightforward and is at times rather jarring because of the language and insight. Mark begins by sharing about his upbringing in a rough blue-collar community in which strip clubs, prostitutes, alcoholism, wife beating, and enraged fist fights were a common occurrence in both his neighborhood and immediate family. Without question this experience provides him with a unique style to communicate to many individuals who would never a find a connection with Keller’s polish. Perhaps the greatest value of this book is its framing of marriage within the context of friendship and in providing a terrific case study of friendship in marriage in the fascinating story of Martin Luther and his wife Katherine von Bora.
While the Keller’s and Driscoll’s ministry environments are very different, what they have in common is they both serve largely unchurched communities. Moreover, they are enormously successful casting a biblical vision of marriage by using their own vastly differing styles. Any pastor desiring to advance a biblical cry for marriage will benefit greatly from their insight, but especially ministers who find themselves—and their convictions about marriage—to be outnumbered and on the wrong end of current cultural trends.
In contrast to the unchurched bastions of New York City and Seattle, Tripp is the director of a para-church ministry called the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas. Tripp’s ministry serves a much more conservative culture. One finds in the pages of this book numerous assumptions about biblical authority and marriage as an institution overall which his audience will likely take for granted. This is in stark contrast to the context of Keller’s and Driscoll’s works. With that said, the pure volume of couples counseled by Tripp as a marriage specialist is greater than Driscoll and Keller, whose responsibilities expand far beyond marriage counseling. Indeed, Tripp’s evenhanded and experienced posture in this book gives the impression that one is reading from the pen of an authentic sage. Tripp’s approach makes his monograph on marriage very accessible and easy to apply for conservative folks who tend to fill the pews on Sunday. In Tripp the reader discovers the voice of a seasoned marriage counselor full of practical advice whereas with Keller one finds insight that may be too abstract (and whereas Driscoll may be too much altogether) for the common conservative American churchgoer.
Each of these writers come from solidly evangelical camps and each certainly use the Bible as their final authority; yet how they use the Bible and other sources of authority to construct their books is strikingly different and worth comparing. Keller uses two major tools in this book: an exposition of Ephesians 5 and the use of sociology. Like watching a gifted builder first clear out a ruined foundation and then replace it by pouring a new slab of concrete, Keller deconstructs the commodification common in marriage today and replaces it with a winsome exposition of covenant in marriage. He shows that the biblical vision for marriage seen in Ephesians 5 is not just “right” but that it is good for society as well. If Keller systematically lays a slab, Tripp assumes that a foundation is already there (his call to use the “Bible biblically” assumes using the Bible in the first place, pp. 16–17). As such his is a book of overall biblical wisdom without real exegesis offered. Yet I will make note of one theological conviction that emerges as a controlling idea in his book: the theological concept of already and not yet. That things are not as they should be (the “not yet”) is key to his fundamental thesis about having proper expectations heading into marriage. However, God has the spouse exactly where he wants them and desires them to learn/grow in their current context. Regardless of the brokenness one finds oneself in, there can be restoration because of the theological trajectory of already/not yet.
In contrast with both Keller and Tripp, I was surprised to find the role that visions/dreams played in Driscoll’s life and hence in this book on marriage. Driscoll believes God told him that he needed to marry Grace as well as to start Mars Hill Church and the Acts 29 Network. He had a dream early in their marriage and ministry that revealed an indiscretion committed by Grace that was later confirmed by Grace to be true. This event proved to be a pivotal moment in their marriage and influenced much of this book. Later in his ministry, a man came into Mark’s office and told him—from God—that Mark needed to get healthy physically and showed him how. Mark believed that message was indeed from God and it was used to help enact real change in his life and marriage. These actionable responses from visions/messages from God provides Driscoll’s book with an edge that gives one the impression that Mark is flying close to the flame. This gives him an empowered voice in which authority is intertwined with his own Paul-like calling. At the same time, this ought to make any discerning pastor a touch nervous.
It is also interesting to see how each writer deals with the topic of sex in marriage. The Driscoll’s spend nearly half of their book on the topic and seem to overreach on some issues such as the role of masturbation and anal sex. Yet their straightforwardness will likely be helpful to many couples dealing with specific questions regarding sex. After spending just as much time dealing with singleness, Keller spends a chapter on sex and describes it interestingly as being a repeated action of covenant renewal. Tripp doesn’t spend much time at all on the topic, noting his dislike of overly gratuitous Christian sex books. His take is that sex-related issues in marriage are rarely the real problem in a marriage but rather the byproduct of the more grave spiritual conditions that he addresses straight on in his book.
Finally, another feature I really enjoyed in two of these books was hearing from Grace Driscoll and Kathy Keller. In the appendix of Keller’s book, Kathy’s description about the application of male headship in her marriage was as articulate an explanation as can be found. Likewise, Grace Driscoll’s chapter on how to respect one’s husband was rich with personal insight from both failures and successes. After reading both of these books I was left wishing these women were given more space to reflect on their experiences in their own marriage and ministry and offer more advice for others who want to learn from them.
In summary, each of these books deserves to be read slowly and repeatedly by any pastor who desires to strengthen marriages in the church and who aspires to articulate a compelling vision of marriage for the world.
Dave Morlan is a co-founder and Teaching Pastor at Fellowship Denver Church in Denver, CO. He holds a PhD in Religion and Theology from Durham University and an adjunct professor of New Testament at Denver Seminary. Dave is also a member of the St. Anselm Fellowship of the Center for Pastor Theologians.
